Paarthurnax and the Lake of Mead
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: Paarthurnax encounters a lake of mead while travelling. Hilarity ensues. Prequel of sorts to 'Let Them Eat Sweetrolls'.


Paarthurnax and the Lake of Mead

Paarthurnax was a very proper dragon. His roar struck fear into the hearts of men and mer alike, and the sharpness and beauty of his claws put shame to the beast races. He was cruelty, and ambition, and overlord of all dragons but one, and it was common knowledge that any who sought to defeat Alduin was suicidal indeed. He'd even heard of the rise of great dragon cults of men across the land to celebrate the power of their draconic overlords. It was a good time to live.

Paarthurnax was most certainly not an alcoholic. He flew high over the mountains near the Throat of the World, secure and not particularly interested in this knowledge.

Far below, a patrol wing flew past, heading east. Paarthurnax roared a greeting and flew on.

His current job was to scout out a possible rebellious cult up north. Rumor had it that a cult of rebel Aldmeri mages had set up some sort of underground city near the great ice floes. Judgment was still out as to whether they were affiliated with any of the other rebel Aldmeri factions to the south and east. Paarthurnax personally doubted that; Mer were notoriously finicky over particulars. Quite a few were still gossiping over the fate of the Falmer.

He'd heard rumors about some mer cult calling themselves the "Deep Ones" or something of the sort. They supposedly dug holes into the ground for themselves to live in and enjoyed blaspheming Daedra to pass the time. Paarthurnax thought they obviously suffered mass delusions about their place in the world.

Below him, the landscape slowly became rockier and icier. He thought he could hear echoes of the chimes of the deaths of Shor filtering past distant mountains, carried by the wind. He saw clouds gather ahead of him.

"_LOK VAH KOOR!" _

In a far distant mountain, the Shout echoed through a series of tubes that thrummed along a pair of chiming wires that carried a signal translated through crystal and brass that deposited a note in Lord Kagrenac's inbox.

"I will go deal with this," Dumac said.

"Just fix that lake of mead Yagrum created," Kagrenac said distractedly, returning to his tuning.

[Herp derp line break]

Paarthurnax flew on, past dark pine forests and into the jagged spine of the world. A strange, familiar, fiery-bitter scent caught on his throat, and he went to investigate in case this was some new treachery on the mortals' part.

Mortals, yes. Men, no. A rather shiny delegation of Mer stood on the shores of a pale golden lake. Paarthurnax landed on the far end, well out of the range of their ballistae.

"Great dragon!" the lead Mer called cheerfully. "By the fifteen and one chimes, the Dwemer greet you in peace!" Ah, so _that_ was what they called themselves. This must be the crazy cult.

"I am Paarthurnax!" he roared. "What in Alduin's name are you doing here?"

"The Dwemer here will leave Skyrim and head east," the Dwemer called. "We will leave your kingdom in peace."

"You run from us," Paarthurnax mused. "Good for you, although we will find you and hunt you down in the end." The lake smelled awfully good, Paarthurnax mused, although this was probably a trick of some sort. The stories he'd heard of these Dwemer indicated they were stupid like that, forever tweaking the tails of those greater than they.

"Drink in celebration!" the Dwemer responded cheerfully, ignoring Paarthurnax's words, and pulled out a goblet from his robes. He dipped it into the lake and took a gulp. The others followed his examples.

Paarthurnax considered setting the lake on fire. He'd seen what mead did to mortals and wasn't looking forward to continuing his mission drunk.

On the other hand, this lake _did_ look good. Paarthurnax's neck naked out and he took a sip. It wasn't bad, and burned like his flames. An odd, pleasant sensation. He took another.

Five days later Odahviing's wing, sent to investigate Paarthurnax's odd disappearance, found him trying out (very, very naked) humanoid form in the middle of a giant Dwemer orgy. Paarthurnax was drunk off his tail, singing the fifteen and one chimes simultaneously into Kagrenac's recording machine, and helping the Dwemer pack all at once. He was also dancing. Odahviing curled his wings over his eyes when Paarthurnax began giving a half-drunk Dumac lap dances.

They ended up letting the Dwemer live in return for their silence, and Odahviing decided to never let Paarthurnax live this down.


End file.
